Yes, there really is a game called Goat Simulator. In the game, you get to do stuff in the form of a goat. It sounds really weird, in a hilarious sort of way. The game has recently been patched and along with the patch came some patch notes.

As you can imagine, the patch notes for a patch for a game about being a goat are going to be a bit different. The notes are certainly proof that the devs at Coffee Stain Studios are a different sort of folk.

May favorite line from the notes is this one: “Made fun of Michael Bay. Again. Please don’t sue.”

Read the full patch notes below:

• Added local splitscreen multiplayer
• Added a new map, try it out in the “custom game” section
• The humans have been given a brain with the cognitive abilities of a 4 year old
• Humans consequently learned to speak. You’ll wish they hadn’t.
• Added more goats
• Isn’t this kid super cute? http://vimeo.com/95834056
• Made fun of Michael Bay. Again. Please don’t sue.
• Added more powers
• Fixed the hitbox of flappy goat
• Poured several buckets full of Optimization™ into the game
• Made sure no class differences exists in Goat City Bay
• Added tons of achievements
• You can now run along walls
• You can now run up walls
• Stand by for Goatfall
• Changed batteries in our fire alarm
• The Goats have learned to ride bikes, press R to mount.
• The Goats have learned to ride longboards, press R to mount.
• The Humans have learned how to ride Goats
• Enjoyed flappy goat
• You can now buy hats for money
• This woman made her skin look 20 years younger DOCTORS HATE HER click here
• Fixed display of Int enchantments on crafted gear
• Applying plastic wrap around your screen will now give you a 3D-effect.
• Added VR support
• Reverted hitbox of flappy goat
• Made hitbox worse on flappygoat
• Removed Flappy Goat, I hate that fucking game.
• Got 11 points on Flappy Goat; readded Flappy Goat.
• Spent more time writing jokes about Flappy Goat than working on the patch
• Changed the points required for the Flappy Goat Achievement from 10 to 30
• Just kidding.
• Removed VR support
• Ultra-realistic water simulation
• Fire alarm still beeping
• You can now swim. Well not really swim, more like float around in a semi-controlled buoyant propulsion fashion.
• Added volume slider in options for NPC speech.
• Deadmau5 has finally left EDM. Is now making Goatronica.
• We went to see Godzilla. It was ok. Cool sound effects.
• Updated patch notes.
• Added a lot of new sound effects.
• Mary had a little … GOAT!? Historians uncover new evidence, click here!
• There is a new game inside of the game, it’s called SteamWorld Goat.
• Honored Notch
• Changed batteries in fire alarm. Again.
• Wanted to add shadows to buildable blocks but couldn’t figure out how, can someone please tell us?
• Patch notes now covers more than an A4.
• Seriously stop making threads asking about patch notes 4 seconds after the patch goes live, calm down
• Game downloading, does anyone have the patch notes?
• New patch?
• Patch released today does anyone know what it does
• Where are the patch notes
• Fire alarm still beeping
• Why is the patch so big?
• Lazy devs.
• If you want we can zip it, then rar it to make it smaller. Do you want it on Megaupload?
• Is this game worth it? Should I buy?
• Devs please put the game on a sale so I can save 4 bucks
• I don’t like ___, please add an option to remove ___
• Performed Satanic rituals to summon Phil Fish
• Plz come back
• Actually optimized the game a bit
• What use are ladders when you can run on the walls?
• I hate water
• Played a whole lot of Wildstar
• Volvo pls fix ___.
• Added a Capture the Flag game mode.
• Added Uncle Goat, I’m sorry about my Goat.
• Added a Capture the Flag game mode.
• Added five new colors, all of which are unseeable by the human eye.
• We actually bought a stuffed goat head IRL for our office, we have no idea what to do with it.
• Updated our Meta Score to 91/100.
• Killed PC gaming
• How long will the patch notes be?
• Changed batteries in the other fire alarm
• Increased Storm Spirit’s Static Remnant AoE by 15.
• Ride a bike with a human on your back. Not like this dude: http://youtu.be/B7-6nXGflec
• You can now play ragdoll goat hockey!

[via Kotaku]